When I was looking at colleges my junior year of high school, studying abroad was basically my main requirement. I told everyone I was looking at schools that had creative writing majors because I’m super creative, you know? But really it was just me grasping at straws because I have to be one of those people who has it figured out, the one that everyone is jealous of but in reality, I’m just a really good pretender, a reality-ignorer, a tell myself I’m okay-er. I have this theory that some people claim they know what they want to do and are just too stubborn to do anything else or admit that they are just as clueless as the rest of us. So fall of 2010 saw me dumping my high school crush turned boyfriend after I lost my virginity and realized that I didn’t really like him as much as I thought I did and maybe deep down inside the only thing I really wanted was to feel wanted at least once before I went off to college. I came to Linfield and immediately attempted to do what was expected of me and made a ton of friends in three days who all simultaneously pulled away because one girl in particular decided that I was only allowed to have one friend but that really isn’t related at all and just makes me sort of angry so well skip it.
I don’t really remember freshman year except the few boys who asked me out when my hair was blonde and short and when I still weighed 130lbs because I was too afraid to not exercise at least 6 times a week and was spending more time counting calories and making workout schedules than I was spending doing homework. So I dyed my hair brown and started wearing my glasses and stopped eating meat and basically lived off of salads and oatmeal and my weight fell even more and then I went home for Christmas and gained 15 pounds in a month to prove my parents wrong because I don’t have an eating disorder. Off topic, I digress but I swear this one is related. And then I went back to Linfield, without friends and pants that didn’t fit because I stubbornly threw away all of the pants I had from before on the day that the aforementioned crush of two years finally reciprocated feelings because if I was fat again, how could anyone find me attractive?
I got myself a Netflix free trial and discovered that I loved coffee and spent a lot of time sitting at my desk watching old seasons of CSI and Survivor by myself and not speaking to my roommate. I made a few new friends all over again after that one girl we won’t mention moved out of our dorm and I no longer had to sneak around the hallways to make sure she wouldn’t see me leaving my room. And in March I found out that I could study abroad an entire year earlier than I thought and I focused on and obsessed over that. It was all I could think about because study abroad was the thing I have been looking forward to for, basically ever, really. It took me two weeks to decide if I should go to Ireland or if I should go to Norway. I wrote essays for both and in the end it came down to a coin toss and a pros and cons list that was one pro in favor of Ireland: English. So I submitted my application and despaired when I found out that there were only two spots available and three people applied. I despaired even more when I found out that a girl named Gabi that worked with me at the Admission office had also applied.
I don’t do interviews very well. I get shaky and nervous and forget how to spell my name sometimes.
But I put on my red pumps and went to the office and the interviewer didn’t show up.
It was rescheduled for later and I figured it out and somehow made it through and the man told me that he hoped his daughter would grow up to be like me and that might have been the best compliment anyone had ever given me. I got a job working during the summer even though I wanted to go home so badly that when I got the offer I cried because that meant that I had to continue to be alone in Oregon. And I had almost hoped that I was rejected so that I had an excuse to go home. But I saved up almost $4000, for Ireland, and was the most frugal person you can imagine. I ate nothing. I bought nothing. I went nowhere. And I picked up running.
I continued to make friends and grow closer with the ones I forced myself upon which was sort of bittersweet because I was leaving in a few months anyway to go on what was sure to be the most magical adventure anyone could ask for because its study abroad and it has to be.
